Safecyn's Sinister Six: Prologue

So I'm a numbers guy, yeah? Lemme drop a little stats on you.

No one talks about stats like that. You are NOT the cool, young fresh Nahaz.

Shush. Anyways, in my many years of playing Dota 2 I have engaged in 1227 matches. A lot of Dota, for sure!

Jeeez. How many hours do you have logged to Steam on this thing?

Only... 3000 plus... shush, I have a life I swear. Anyways, that's not the statistic that matters, here. What matters is this: as of this writing, I have never played more than 43 games on a single hero.

... what? How the heck is that possible? You don't have a main hero? Something you spam to try and win games?

The only hero I spam is the random button.

You are the worst kind of filthy casual game-ruiner in existence, you know that?

Fair enough. It does have its advantages though: when Dotabuff released their arbitrary achievements, I was ASTOUNDINGLY close to the Every Hero Challenge. I've won games on practically every hero there is: I'm versatile like that.

More like you're lucky and get carried while you're flailing around uselessly.

Oy. Anyways, like I said, I've won games on... PRACTICALLY every hero there is. I've never actually aimed to win a game on every hero, you see, it's just sort of been occurring naturally. But thanks to Dotabuff, I now know that I'm precisely six heroes short of the every hero challenge.

Wait... is this... this isn't another series of blogs tracking your progress to some stupid goal, is it?

BOOM. Nail on the head. Well done!

Ugh...

There are two heroes in the game that I've never played period: Legion Commander and Arc Warden. The random gods have never put these heroes under the control of my keyboard: sure I've practiced on them in bot matches, but I've never played them against actual people. The other four heroes are Sniper, Spectre, Doom, and Io... none of whom I've ever played more than 4 games with.

How the heck have you played four games as DOOM of all heroes and never won?

I... I'm not good at being evil. It makes my soul taste like okra.

I understand, bro. Completely.

Yeah... anyways, this is my new challenge: win a game on every hero! Complete that Every Hero challenge! And I won't be doing it alone either... none other than Cuttleboss will be joining in with me on this endeavor, adding his own special brand of commentary to these entries!

I mean... he'll probably play Sand King for all the games, so don't expect any curveballs there. But still! I'm super excited to get this train wreck a rollin'.

You're replacing me with a human being? What the hell, bruh?

Oh, shush, I'm not replacing you. I can't. I WISH I could. But the therapist needs more proof you're real.

Hehehe... sucker.